A Retrospection on Youth and Stalking
by Akely
Summary: Reading fellow officers' report was normal and a boring task for Hijikata, until he reads Sougo's...And everything went aflame. Rated T for language and one R-16 scene.


**Hey, here is myself popping just to post this one-shot. I'm sorry TVT. I wrote a lot, but damn, I'm so lazy to edit everything, well, hope this will satiate anyone hungering for Okikagu (like me).**

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 **A retrospection on Youth and Stalking**

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Hijikata was checking every report of the officers who patrolled today. A daily task he had done years and years without help because the two others Shinsengumi superiors were busy, one was stalking a gorilla woman and get beaten up (Hijikata wondered if it wasn't Gorillas' mating customs) as for the first division captain well, he wasn't better and though for very different reasons the lad came back injured more often than not.

 _Talking about the wolf_ , Hijikata blew off some smoke and rubbed the bridge of his nose. For some reasons he wasn't ready to read this yet, Okita rarely every write reports and when he did there were just 'Hijikata-san die' written all over pages. Gathering as much courage he could and mainly experience in enduring shitty report, he started.

"It can't be worse than Zaki's!" Now replenished in motivation Hijikata opened the notebook and read aloud "Okita's report: 14/01 morning to afternoon to night shift. What the hell is that? This brat only has afternoon shift and he sleeps it away! Is he, is he—" he started to hope that the brat was actually just being _tsundere_ and worked seriously. "Wait, what's that?"

Inside, a picture of a _very_ familiar girl was glued on the front page. You would say, oh after all wasn't that just another M-slaves of the prince of sadists? Hijikata hoped not. The female on the photo had red hair— like the Yorozuya girl— big, round blue eyes— like the Yorozuya girl— pale skin and—

" .Hell." Hijikata pinched his cheeks, then his wrists two times each side just to be sure he wasn't dreaming. No, scratch that. It must be a hallucination that lack of mayonnaise had triggered. But he had some an hour ago already. "Maybe he's going to photoshop it or something, calm down Toushirou, you know it's not for _that reason_ he has a picture of China girl."

Surely, the late teenager couldn't have taken this smiling picture of her just for _that reason_. Hijikata nodded to himself and decided to go on.

"Morning, 6 am: I got the tabasco cake prepared, as usual, I'm pretty sure she'll fall into the trap today too." _That's expected of this brat_ , Okita Sougo couldn't have been just a good who made citizens abide by the laws. Of course, his 'reports' would be plans that had, yet again, the goal to annoy someone. If it wasn't him, it would be the China girl. Then again Hijikata was reassured, he would be damn scared if the boy started to feel something for her. It was impossible.

The next reports were along the same line, the officer just made everything to spike his sadistic female counterpart but strangely enough, around noon Okita was starting to write weird. The reports transitioned from evil tricks to rather generous descriptions of her. DescriptionS, as in "s", as in "plural".

"Noon, Yorozuya: China woke up, Danna and Megane let the door open, like, every day. How careless. Good thing that this handsome and reliable officer came to watch over their brat. Oh, there's tea." Hijikata refrained himself to run like a madman in the compound, punching some recruits here and there to calm down. _Does he even work at all?!_ "And what's he doing in the Yorozuya? And why would the perm and Megane let the door open? Isn't there a girl inside?"

 _Breathe in, breathe out. Calm doooown Toushirou, the brat's strong and Sougo's always been lazy_. _Nothing you can't deal with_.

He flipped the page. "China's face is awfully round, her eyes too. They're big while her boobs are flat— they're kinda soft tho."

Hijikata started slamming his face against the low table, teacup and but he didn't care. _What's that supposed to mean?_ That she looked roundish like a kid or that the China-san wasn't really recognized for her…Female high chest assets, everyone knew. But did Sougo actually grabbed them? When? Why? The girl wouldn't have allowed. That...or... _If she's sleeping unconsciously with a Sadist laying right beside!_

"Sugar perm! Glasses! Egg head! Sougo's raping your braaaaaaaaat!" As his shout echoed in his office cold sweat ran from his forehead to lower. He had to go back— Sougo's was far worse than Zaki's reports! Should he tell the China girl that her 'rival' (or rather harasser) did unspeakable things to her while she _slept innocently_?!

 _No, no. These two brats fight every time they meet, he could have_ _ **accidentally**_ _, just_ _ **accidentally**_ _, touched her breasts._ Yeah. Well, it wasn't this rare in a fight especially when the opponent belonged to the close-combat style. Of course, Sougo had plenty of M-girls at his feet, a lot more endowed than the small Yorozuya kid mind you, it was just a big, big misunderstanding.

Feeling great with the logical processes of reasoning ("thinking" but Hijikata needed to sound _smart_ and _right_ , at the moment) he just had, rationally speaking Okita Sougo wouldn't harass the brat this way. _Of course, of course_ , he repeated mentally. Then, he continued his task:

"I guess it's normal since her skin is smooth and soft too, how can that be when I leave scratches and injuries on her every day? Her skin is so white. Wanna marks her."

Hijikata slammed his head into the closest wall he could find.

"Okay okay— SOUGO'S HARASSING HER _THIS WAY_!"

"Vice-commander, what are you talking about?" A poised, high voice intervened. Yamazaki entered his office while sweat dropping because he heard him destroying the wall (there was a crater now) but in his mental break-down, he didn't hear the plain character coming.

"I felt like the author said something really mean. Anyway, what's wrong Vice-commander? Why is your head bleeding?"

"Z-Zaki…Right on time," he coughed some blood, "Read this." Book thrown at him, Yamazaki caught it easily, skimmed through the notebook until reaching where his superior was at.

"Why does China always wear childish, rabbit patterned _pantsu_? Should I buy some for her?" He read out loud, his face gradually turning red, then blue. "What is that Vice-Commander?"

"Sougo…Sougo's reports! Continue, we have to be sure that—"

"B-but it sounds like Captain is in lov—"

"DON'T SAY THAT AND READ!"

"O-Okay! Afternoon: China must be at least B-cup, eh, water makes her dress sticks to her skin. Note for later: Definitely buy better underwear's for her later, should I go ask the shopkeeper of S&M: Consensual ****Love store? WHY IS IT CENSORED? Vice-Commander you don't think they-they had done _this_?"

"No, no way! Sougo is, well, he is just _stalking_ her! Right, he's totally obsessed over the China girl. The Shinsengumi won't be sued! Our popularity will degrade if he did it and we'll lose screen times and end up like the Kaientai! Only appearing in the openings and endings! The season had just re-starteddddddd!"

"THAT'S NOT THE IMPORTANT THING VICE-COMMANDER? WE'LL BE TRAINING EITHER WAY IN BUSHU SO WE WON'T APPEAR AFTER A WHILE!"

"Ahem," Hijikata cleared his throat. "Right, the girl. What should we do Zaki? If we inform her, we'll get beaten. If we don't inform her she'll be raped by Sougo."

"Vice-Commander can you even ask this? Of course we should—"

"— Forget everything? Yeah, I thought that so. Do you think we can command the thing in _Amanto in Black_?"

"We should tell her! What are you saying? Us Shinsengumi are supposed to protect citizens, even if she's Amanto and a Yato we can't let Captain harass her!" Yamazaki retorted seriously, sounding offended at his idea.

Hijikata started, in a robotic and forced way, laugh. His cigarette fell out of his mouth as, full of cold sweat running on his forehead he turned to his subordinated. "Ha-ha, what are you saying Zaki'? The Shinsengumi is doomed. We have a Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla harassing another Gorilla, you stalking a fucking android and now Sougo's going to ****** with the Yorozuya girl. It's finished, everything is finished."

The other man tried to smile warmly and pulled off a comforting look as if wanting to make him feel better. "Come on Vice-commander, it's Gintama— I mean, every couple in the show are like this. It's just the spirit of it. Captain won't really rape—"

"I know."

"Eh?"

"We should burn everything, burn the Shinsengumi."

"Vice-Commander? No, let go of this mayonnaise lighter? VICE-COMMANDERRRRRR!"

And everything went aflame.

* * *

"So that's why you're invading MY room? One of your stupid plan to kill Mayora?" Kagura asked incredulously looking at the level below her where Okita lied, in his futon as his face as light filtered through the half-closed closet door.

"Yeah, the cyanide, tomahawk, mercury and other things didn't work so I broke his mind instead. I didn't expect him to set fire on all of the compound, though."

"Wow, that's so stupid, but it came from you so it's normal."

"My plan was perfect, better than anything a piggy like you could think of."

Kagura extended an arm to the lower level, umbrella tightly grasped and in one dry, sharp hit and aimed for Sougo's head. "You're disgusting, Sadist. Been starin' at my chest uh? How could you do that to a pure, innocent and cute maiden like myself?" She exclaimed, holding her face like a _shoujo_ heroine and shook her head. "By the way don't even think I didn't notice your lie, you are obviously enjoying staying here just because you promised strawberry parfaits to Gin-chan!"

"Maiden?" He smirked after eying through the lit slit, Kagura was pretty sure he had just checked something. With some rummages, Okita opened the closet's door and she was about to ask him what the hell did he plan again, but she was shut up by him sitting down on her torso as he closed the door. Slowly, he leaned towards her face. "It's not like we weren't doing anything as of late, China."

She smirked and, in a harsh movement, opened her pajama top which revealed lacy black and red lingerie. "I'll buy your silence."

"That's what I bought for you," he breathed out as she chuckled and pulled him down so she could kiss him. "I thought you wouldn't actually wear it. How unfair to buy my silence like this, China."

"Come on," her lips formed a rictus again his, "You know that I, Queen Kagura of Kabuki-Cho, don't lose to anyone. Not even you, Sadist."

"You're the sadist."

"Of course. What did you think? That I was the _M_? I've been the _seme*_ all along."

 **END**

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"Seme", for those who don't know, is the term for the proactive person in a ship. The opposite is "uke".


End file.
